August 27, 2012

1/3 of his birthday present

No matter how many stories I'll hear or read, ours will always be my favorite

I looked at him from the corner of my eye and fought hard from sighing loudly. He doesn't know  how at home I feel with him, how leaning against him was the best feeling in the world. I felt so contented just being beside him, but I was pretty sure he didn't feel the same way. The only thing he'd be feeling at the moment is probably annoyance. Who wouldn't be anyway? I bet he could barely write or move because he had this weird girl leaning on him as if he was some sort of recliner. Back then, I never realized that I could fall for the boy I sat next to in class.

I remember never outwardly declaring that I loved him. Actually, I tried my best to deny what I felt instead. I'd smile half-heartedly whenever he was being paired with someone else. I even tried playing along with all the matchmaking and he can attest to that, I'm sure. I would always tell myself that I should respect his decisions for the sake of his happiness, but deep down inside, I was silently screaming for him to notice me instead. Liking someone from afar (though we were always just inches apart during the day) is hard. It was my little secret. I couldn't show it in an obvious way. Instead, I settled with writing blog entries about him on my Multiply account.

He was unaware of a lot of things. He didn't know that my heart skipped a beat when he handed me a candy bar during Valentine's Day. I knew I wasn't the only one who received something from him, but I felt special still. I even kept the wrapper until I realized it was really unsanitary to keep something like that in my bag. We all have those stupid moments induced by love, right?

Also, he took me by surprise by giving me a bouquet during our senior prom. To him, it was probably just a sweet yet friendly gesture to the girl he sat beside with in class. To me, it was the highlight of my whole night. I remember dancing awkwardly with him as well. He was just being him. He had a big heart and that's one of the reasons why I couldn't help but look at him in amazement sometimes. He was merely doing me a favor by saving me from my wallflower duties even just for a while. He cared for me and for that, I was always very thankful.

He was never meant to know about it. It didn't matter that I started crying tears that weren't supposed to be there some nights. It didn't matter that I refused to go to his house to celebrate a fiesta simply because I couldn't stand watching him with someone else anymore. He looked for me, accordingly. After all, I was the one who suggested that we visit his house.  Instead of accepting what I felt, I repressed it even more. To be honest, he was one of the reasons why I wanted to move to Dumaguete and study in Silliman. I needed to escape from him, from the class. I remember missing our last day of graduation practice just to open an ATM account. I was dead set on forgetting him and I wanted to do it fast. That night, I looked at the photos of that day in contempt. He was fine even without me.

My method to create closure was to confess to him during graduation. I'm not sure how I got that idea, but I have a feeling I was encouraged by Tal. I wrote little notes for everyone in class. Some were different than the others because I gave little gifts to those who were really close to me. The envelope that was meant for him was noticeably plump compared to the flat ones that everyone else received. I remember our good friend, Benjie, commenting on that. For all they knew, there was a two-page confession letter in that envelope.

Throughout the summer, I tried my best to distance myself from him but somehow, I couldn't.  We still found ourselves texting each other. It didn't seem as if he had the same plans as me. I wanted to forget him, but he didn't want to forget about us. I tried ditching my Globe for  a Sun simcard just to avoid him, but can you guess what he did? He said he'd buy one too. I truly wanted to stop loving him, but he only made me fall even harder with his kindness.

I'm glad that I braved that emotional summer. If I didn't, I wouldn't have my awesome boyfriend right now. I never thought I'd be able to get the boy who plagued my thoughts every night back in my senior year in high school. I never thought of ending up with someone that I loved first.

Noel Anthony Y. IbaƱez, I thank my lucky stars everyday because I have you. I'm sorry for my imperfections and my mistakes. How could I forget how much I had to go through just to have someone like you? Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for being you. I love the way you easily win the hearts of my family. Though it annoys me sometimes, I'm glad you get along with Mom so much to the point that she sides with you instead of me whenever we fight. Also, I love seeing you with my baby brother. You are so patient with him. [I know you'll make a good dad someday. ;)] I can see that you both genuinely adore each other. I sometimes think that Bing-bing loves you more than he loves me. You're such a catch, babe. I've never felt more cherished by anyone else. You treat me like a queen. I hope I am able to give back the love that you give me in my own way.

I love you, baby. I love you even when you have your moods. I love everything you are, in all your forms. Stay with me, okay?

Happy 19th birthday, love! :)

(and belated happy 34th monthsary to us!)

2 comments :

  1. i found you through book blogs and am now a follower:) please check out my blog too! http://andreaheltsley.blogspot.com
    thanks!

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  2. I followed back. Thanks for dropping by, Andrea. :)

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